Guilt - ZorbaBooks

Guilt

I still vividly remember those days when darkness took over our vibrant home and the air was humidified with our tears as you laid lifeless in your bed. I was there holding those lifeless hands in mine thinking of those times when you told me that you will survive. I still remember those days when my heart used to drench in pain seeing you fold the laundry while pretending to not be bothered by the pain and when you used to lie to me about your condition to stop me from going in all possible negatives. I remember those nights I spent lying awake because of my thoughts. Truthfully, I saw this coming. I knew you will leave us one day and as much as I hate to say it my overthinking did one thing good for me, it prepared me for this moment and now this day just feels like one of those scenarios my mind has constructed in pain. Is this a blessing that I never thought of ? If I say it out loud I will be out casted and labelled as a crazy fella. Maybe I am thinking too much but this feeling of seeing all this beforehand is strangely comforting. Those thoughts inside me for a week had subtly prepared me for your death. However one thing that keeps growing inside me is guilt. My subconscious is convincing me that all this that has befall on our happy home is because of my thoughts. If i hadn’t thought about it maybe you would be alive, combing my hair with that honey sweet smile on your face. I know that this is also one of those unhealthy coping mechanisms my mind has created knowing very well that death is inevitable. I am no one to decide that and my thoughts hold no power yet it feels easy to comprehend.

For now, I lay my head upon your memory and whisper one final apology, “I’m sorry, Mother. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will carry you with me always.”

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Maryam Zehra