AFRAID OF LOSING

On a random afternoon, accompanying the lecture while eyes stuck on the clock ticking time. Two minutes more for the class off.

“So children the assignments should be written in this way that—” the clock finally hit the time. “Okay we will be continuing the topic next class.” I was on my way back to home from my college. “Salony wait!” my friend called me from back “you kept your pen on the table”

“Oh okay Thanks!”- I greeted with a smile and kept the pen in bottle holder where the pen was half into it and half outside.

“Keep it properly or you going to lose it” -she warned

“Fine! I’ll get another one then”- I chortled

I laughed at her helpless expression straight into me.

“Always a narcissist” she teased “Never afraid of losing anything”

My laugh paused for a moment. My steps slowed down a bit. The tone ringing in my ears—Never afraid of losing anything.

FLASHBACKS

*”No mama.. I can’t eat anymore please”- I cried

“Shut up! You’ve just eaten a spoon or two yet”- my mother shouted with a bowl full of food

I was probably of 3 years old when eating was my worst nightmare. I get full with a spoonful of food which is not at all sufficient. My mother rushes around me to feed me every time. “Good girls eat quickly”

“No! Mama please”

“The one who would complete the food will have a candy!!!!” – My mother sighed—“I forgot this girl don’t even eat candies too” she whispered to herself. She took a breadth and started trying again

“Okay I’m closing my eyes and let see who finish this food like a good kid.”

No response from me. Sitting on the floor with both the hands closing my mouth so my mother couldn’t feed me forcefully.

After trying for hundred times she finally raged and shouted “If you don’t eat, a black big bear will take your sister!!!”- she roared

The little me couldn’t take this statement. I looked at my sister who was sleeping peacefully. Tears filled my eyes & each of the drops contained fear of losing her if I don’t eat.

“Will the bear really take my sister from me?” – I wobbled

“Yes, only if you don’t eat”

Eating was my worst enemy. It was the most difficult task to do for the six years old me. But the fear of losing her from me was even worse. From a very young age I was scared to lose. I was scared to even imagine a life without her existence. Scared if someone snatches her from me.

Before having a second thought, I grabbed the bowl from my mother. I didn’t eat the food, I swallowed. I gulped. My mother was laughing seeing this childish belief of mine. But eventually happy to see me eating the food without forcing.

After finishing the food, I looked at my mother with a worrying expression. Eyes still covered in tears and fear. I grieved– “Mama! I’ve finished my food now ..the bear won’t take her anymore. Right?”

My mother smiled at my silly agonize & replied “No my girl.. You’ve been a good girl so the bad bear won’t take her from you.”

I sighed with relaxation. “So she is safe with me right now?”

My mother snickered–“FOREVER!”*

A gentle hand patted on my back. My friend. I looked at her with my incomplete answer and finally continued to speak in order to finish her question.

“Yes this narcissist girl doesn’t fear of losing anything until it comes to the most precious part of her life.”-I smirked.