Julius Caesar – V

A Man of Decrees, Debauchery, and a Dash of Drama

Julius Caesar, the man, the myth, the toga-clad legend. Few figures in history evoke as much admiration, scandal, and outright confusion as this ambitious Roman powerhouse. Whether he was stacking the Senate, balancing the empire’s budget, or juggling mistresses like a circus act, Caesar lived life on a scale as grand as the marble forums of Rome itself. Suetonius’ account of his life offers a juicy mix of political reform, personal intrigue, and questionable hairstyling choices that are almost too good to be true.

Grab your laurel wreath and let’s dive into the whirlwind that was Caesar’s life—with a touch of modern humor to keep things as lively as his infamous triumphs.

Caesar didn’t just reshape Rome’s political landscape; he gave it a full-blown Roman makeover. Filling vacancies in the Senate? Sure, why not promote some plebeians to patricians while we’re at it! The ancient equivalent of “upgrading from economy to business class,” this move added some fresh blood to the Senate, though I imagine the old-school patricians weren’t exactly thrilled about sharing wine and olives with the “new money” crowd.

Caesar also bumped up the number of praetors, aediles, quaestors, and other magistrates. Why? Because more politicians mean more people to blame when things inevitably go south. But here’s the kicker: Caesar didn’t even trust the public to elect all their officials. He decided that he’d recommend his favorites with charming little notes, distributed to the tribes like ancient Roman postcards:

“Dear Tribe, Vote for [Insert Name Here] because Caesar said so. Love, Your Dictator.”

Of course, who could refuse a dictator’s polite request?

If Caesar had a motto for the census, it might have been, “Fewer mouths, happier empire.” He ordered the census to be taken street by street, like some kind of ancient neighborhood watch. Then, in a move that would have made even the stingiest budget analyst proud, he slashed the list of people receiving free grain from 320,000 to 150,000.

Imagine being on that list and suddenly losing your free grain privileges. “Sorry, Marcus, you’ve been downgraded. Better luck next census!” To avoid riots, Caesar allowed annual vacancies to be filled by lottery, making the whole process feel like a high-stakes game of Who Wants to Be a Breadwinner?

Caesar was also in the business of exporting Romans. Eighty thousand citizens were shipped off to foreign colonies, probably with the promise of free wine and better weather. To ensure Italy didn’t turn into a retirement home for grumpy old senators, he enacted strict travel rules.

No freeman between the ages of 20 and 40 could leave Italy for more than three years unless they were in military service. Senators’ sons needed an official entourage to even step foot outside the country, and shepherds had to ensure that at least a third of their workforce was free-born youth.

Caesar’s message was clear: “Stay, reproduce, and contribute—or I’ll send you to some distant colony where the wine tastes funny.”

If you thought Caesar was going to wave a magic wand and cancel everyone’s debts, think again. Instead, he came up with a convoluted repayment plan that would make modern bankers proud. Debtors could pay off their dues based on pre-civil war property values, deducting any interest already paid. The result? Creditors lost about a quarter of their investments, and debtors got a moderately smaller noose around their necks.

This wasn’t debt forgiveness; it was more like debt… lightening. Still, it was enough to leave both sides mildly disgruntled—classic Caesar.

Caesar decided to up the ante on crime and punishment. Murderers lost everything they owned, and lesser criminals forfeited half their property. Apparently, rich people had gotten too cozy with the idea that banishment was just a free vacation, so Caesar gave them a reason to stay honest—or at least poorer.

But Caesar wasn’t above micromanaging the details. He enforced sumptuary laws with the zeal of a Roman Karen. Officers patrolled markets, confiscating illicit meats and contraband purple robes. Even dining tables weren’t safe from Caesar’s culinary crackdown.

“Sorry, Gaius, this peacock is illegal. Hand it over.”

When he wasn’t busy reforming Rome or trimming the Senate, Caesar dreamed big—like really big. He wanted to build a temple to Mars so grand that it would make other temples look like backyard sheds. He also had plans for a colossal theater near the Tarpeian Rock, a road through the Apennines, and even a channel through the Isthmus of Corinth.

And just to flex his intellectual muscles, Caesar tasked Marcus Varro with collecting as many Greek and Latin works as possible. Basically, he wanted Rome to have the world’s most impressive library.

Sadly, his ambitious plans came to a screeching halt when, you know, assassination happened.

Physically, Caesar was no Greek god, but he had his charms. He was tall, fair, and round-faced, with piercing black eyes. His only real insecurity? Baldness. Apparently, his comb-over game was strong, but he was still the butt of endless bald jokes.

His solution? Wear a laurel crown at all times. Because nothing says “I’m not bald” like a crown of leaves glued to your head.

Caesar was meticulous about his appearance, even going so far as to pluck unwanted body hair. Roman manscaping, anyone?

Caesar’s love life could fill an entire blog series of its own. He was infamous for his affairs with high-ranking ladies, including Servilia (Brutus’s mom) and numerous others. He once gifted Servilia a pearl worth six million sesterces, proving that he didn’t just win battles—he also won hearts (and emptied wallets).

Then there was the infamous “Queen of Bithynia” scandal. Rumors swirled that Caesar had a rather cozy relationship with King Nicomedes. Cicero, among others, couldn’t resist poking fun, claiming Caesar was more queen than conqueror during his time in Bithynia.

His soldiers even joined in, chanting bawdy verses during his triumphs. If Caesar was embarrassed, he didn’t show it—probably too busy planning his next conquest.

Julius Caesar was a paradox—a man who reformed Rome while embodying its most dramatic excesses. He was both a shrewd politician and a scandal magnet, a visionary leader and a micromanager who confiscated dinner plates.

His life reads like a blockbuster movie: part drama, part comedy, with a twist ending that leaves you wondering what could have been. Whether you love him, hate him, or just enjoy reading about his antics, one thing is certain—Caesar knew how to make history.

And if nothing else, he taught us an important lesson: never underestimate the power of a well-placed laurel crown.