Becoming Hanuman 4 - ZorbaBooks

Becoming Hanuman 4

This Christmas Day.

And Peace descends on the House.

At the age of 7, I wanted to know all, do it all. AT 17 I could see myself understanding all. But still with all my knowledge I could rarely get all things done. There were blocks and unreliable people all around me. The parents and family were not much of a moral support and no way could they find time to explain or educate me about anything.

At 27 I put my nose into all I thought I could do. Often the consequences were disastrous but I learnt. The lessons were always valuable. But I was not discouraged. I ventured further and as far as my thoughts would take me. I went all over the world. Soon I realized that I was not alone. A spirit walked alongside. I felt protected. It saved me from many disasters too.

I was intelligent enough to have learnt from my readings how important it is to travel and that one travels fastest when alone.

At 37 I found that life has hidden pleasures to provide but you have to sell your soul. Now I wondered wasn’t there a way in which I could have my cake and eat it too. Did not seem likely.

At 47 I began to feel tired and thought a companion would do me good. And this was my most valuable mistake. I found stability but my Ego could not stand it. I wanted to run but my Spirit companion had other ideas. Then one day it dawned on me perhaps I might as well let go and let the Spirit Companion do all the work.

At 57 I knew I had to let go. The Spirit companion was laughing at me. It was galling but the truth was glaring. This was not what I had wished for. Then, what had I expected?

At 67 I learnt to let go and slowly let things be run. I could not win over the Spirit Companion to my bidding. So nilly willy I let go and smiled at the world inviting it to do its worse. And it did. But every blow only taught me to avoid further mishap.

At 77 the giving was complete. And PEACE descended upon me!

Assertions are just that. Assertions. Of value only to the person who is making them. Everyone’s image and understanding of life is based on the expansiveness of the life and education one has lived. So there is nothing to question. But yes there is much to understand.

For example, I promote homeopathy and most people are comfortable only with the methods of Modern Western medicine. All I can say is “so be it” even though both focus on health or do they? IT requires a very broad education and deep understanding of Nature, the different values embodied by the systems etc to really make a proper assertion. The man on the street making assertions as I see many making it that Homeopathy is bunkum – is he speaking from knowledge and experience or from the stand that he is comfortable in his presumptions ( as born into it) like following a religion without knowing why.

This conversation is personal. If not then why are we having it? We could as well ignore each other.

And to assert that all assertions have to be considered at the same level of value is like saying that what the 4th grader is saying is of the same value as the Master – that there are no differences; what an arrogant stand!

Beyond the Me and Mine

It is the nature of the Mother earth. The mind at its best in the humans is still at the nascent stage. This is why you will see we are unable to go beyond the “me and mine” and “my choice” levels.

As an aside I bring your attention to the obvious phenomena of considering who is a brother/sister. Think: Why only are we able to open out to blood related people as relatives/brother/sister? Why I cannot be the blood brother even though from another woman than your bio-mother? I may be close to the family, living with them but I will never get the gifts the others will get unless I marry the daughter then I become one of them? Why can’t we be patient and wait and watch instead of jumping to conclusions and then get totally blocked by them and refuse to budge on our stance?

Why is “one particular” man a child of our god and his life is valuable but those of another faith automatically become kafirs? The physical mind (the part of the mind that operates in the physical domain) needs a circle drawn and only the things within that circle can it own. For the rest it is afraid of and its first reaction is to annihilate all else and think later if at all. This narrowness gives it a feeling of safety. From this sense comes the notion “MY & Mine” and worse – lack of need to learn more.



The digital world is trying to impinge on my sovereignty by pushing AI onto me thru various means. Lock me up in their stabilised structure of authoritative monarchy. FB, Microsoft, Google all want me to allow them to do my thinking. Good heavens no!

Come on fellow intelligent humans: DONT fall for this. Align your minds with a higher consciousness than this. Connect with the intuitive mind if you need to but don’t let AI do the thinking for you.

Watch out.

Why do the humans want to KICK OUT themselves is not clear to me?



The problem with tolerance is that you may end up promoting the wrong elements. It certainly is a virtue as it denotes a strength. But this question of what to accept, leave out, ignore and stop is a very broad-spectrum question and this CANNOT be judged by our human minds with its judgment levels based on moral protocols and preconceived standards which have nothing to do with how Mother Earth is running her domain.

I who belong to the 1950s have a very intolerant view of tolerance. I have seen the standards of excellence plummet in the last 70 years. In the 1950 meeting people knowing three languages was common. Today meeting somebody who speaks his mother tongue well is a rarity. Behaviour and consideration for others has almost disappeared. Dishonesty and, cheating and stealing is not considered a moral problem but a social mis-fitting episode. People with real abilities to help growth are pushed aside to accommodate minions for nicety’s sake. No. I don’t think we should tolerate anything but the best.

What we need is a bigger and broader mind capable of a wider view and this only minds with intuitive abilities can see. The first step has to go beyond one’s own prejudices. This by itself requires widening of the mind by knowing about how others live, their issues and all that compels them to be what they are. A broad based education and travel into different cultures is the first step.

The human mind is a very simple instrument in its basic character. It needs labeling otherwise it would grind to a halt. And as the labeling is for its convenience, the men complicated life by labeling more and more and everything; most often erroneously because they did not know and worse DID NOT want to know so any personal-profiting concept was good enough. One of their inventions The Gods and then religions based on them has been ruling the minds and administration of the human world since ages.

It works well for some and some complain but still love to fester in it because taking responsibility for their lives is even less of interest.



Essay on the MIND as ME.

Some say the mind is not me.

The mind may not be me but at the physical level the ego soul and mind are intertwined so closely that this message would go over the heads of the general populace. So for 99% of the people it is more mesmerizing than helpful.

We need to first educate them and make them understand/realise the difference between the ego soul and the mind or the mental world of thought and how the Occult forces can use them directly and take control of the human persona.

I have seen and learnt from trial and error that we need to first develop and evolve the mind into a disciplined awareness and from that starting line it normally realises on its own that the ego soul is using it and therefore it breaks away and looks for something greater. From there on it reaches the intuitive mind and it enters into direct touch with the divine forces.

Most people drag you down. This business of being kind and polite and all needs to be restrained.

People living at a higher order of consciousness or even trying to are a clear and present danger to the established lower forces now in this world. Most people come with very selfish agendas. It is not willful. Their vibes are such. That it is up to you to not let it happen

They tire you out if given the opportunity.

This philosophy that we need to listen to all, be open and receiving and all is the advice of the devil. Being kind does not mean that all nonsense that comes our way has to be tolerated.

I personally advise to respond to the vibes you feel coming from the other person….if you are sensitive you would see thru immediately and avoid the moment.

The universe runs on a creative law inbuilt into it. Humans are just a speck in it. God is doing nothing, not in the picture at all. The human mind would like that God or a being was sitting at a console and running everything. It is so ridiculously improbable. Events have a chain and go on and on and the story continues like the flowing river – no beginning, no end. There is no sin, no forgiving. Things are and there is “learning”. Every event teaches us something.

This is the way I see it. Religionist can make all the stories they want.

Anxiety medicine is another “support” for our weaknesses. The demon industry is taking every advantage we give it to fleece us and makes us weaker and dependent. And we go into the trap with eyes open – the weaklings we are.

What is the better way to fight anxiety? Learning and knowledge. Becoming aware of all that is surrounding us. Grapple it all with intelligence. Throw light on what is not understood and it will stop frightening you.

Moralists can make lists of good and bad. For example how we make a mess of understanding life: When I kill somebody it is murder but when a policeman kills somebody it is in line of duty – he is expected to! So beware how you see and classify every happenstance.



Do we want to know?

Thousands of sages have come and gone. Not one is lived by the examples they set. People call themselves their disciples, form groups and become adherents to what they said. In the end this is what happens. The teachings become a religion. Sayings are learnt by rote. Nothing is practiced. The arrogance of being followers and disciples of the true Lord fills our minds and the needle gets stuck there; all it ends up doing is making the persons impervious to change, new thoughts, learning from experience, are all stopped. The persona tries to live in a routine whereby new experiences and learning are avoided and the person is so smug with what it is a disciple or follower that stops seeing further ahead.

The mind totally ignores new questions and possibilities and it is so sad to see these people so glowingly following a few men who become their coaches, teachers and gurus and nobody going anywhere spiritually.

The entire life becomes a theatrical episode, with no depth or substance that should have elevated the Spirit to new heights.

Pride reigns supreme along with total ignorance perpetuating itself.

Brad Hercina

Change itself isn’t that difficult, it’s only our Resistance to it that makes it seem that way. Our Resistance generally comes from a self-inflicted “story” we have conjured up. Then when we believe this “story”, we start to think we now have a “problem”, because of this “change” we are resisting.. But the problem, like all problems, only exists as a story in the brain. Life is always unfolding in some sort of Divine Harmony, it’s only by believing the thinking mind that we create a mirage of chaos and problems.



I would put it this way: We have already decided that we know the Truth and have understood this life and reality. We have gloriously gone about announcing this as our truth and making others see the light.

Then suddenly we are asked to change perspective. But this would be a collapse of the entire persona we have created. Nothing but resistance can emerge out of it. Was it then our whole life a chimera?

For a long while most people hang between the old thoughts and the new ones pressing on us and it is all so confusing, demeaning and problematic until some generous calamity opens the door wide open.

Study this new way of looking at people. They embed some info, thought patterns and habits which serve as algorithms which in later years run their lives.

Everything around them shapes their lives but subconsciously. There is no awakened curiosity running the show; no conscious effort – the case is worsened when they start looking down on others around them.

This would be why we have this old system of thought in India where we ask, advise and exhort people to mingle with wiser, sager and more capable people than ourselves like in sports we get better when playing against better opponents. (In reality I have seen people do the opposite as being with people of lower capacity than them is so comforting to their ego and makes life easier).

The Souls knows. The mind does not want to know. The immediate is so alluring. The game of words is sparkling and we easily get lost into it. Reality even if told does not seem real. There are so many impelling reasons not to pay attention or not be bothered.

Mistaken judgments of the moment are taken and regretted later. But can we trust the words that come to us?



Essay on living and learning.

I believe in living impulsively but intelligently. Do what you wish to do but think a little about it and plan it for successful culmination.

You may call it living dangerously.

Society will condemn those who do because society and others do not want you to be different and make them act differently. This imposes on them the responsibility of moving out of their comfort zones.

No. You won’t be liked. But that is not what you are here for.

You are here to discover yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Experience the faults of your mind (like impatience, anxiety, fear, greed and such that make you lose your cool) by getting into trouble and then reflecting upon it.

I have lived this way and when neck deep in trouble I asked for help and always got it. The Universe takes care of its own

Continue your escapades to cross check if you have learnt your lesson or not. You will have not only enjoyed your life but by the end of it you will be nearer to being a wise sage. And this is what I call living.


A lot of us today agree that there is a consciousness that runs this creation. This little note is for those who believe in this way of thinking.

There is therefore a negative side and positive aspect to these vibes or emanations or forces which we can term for simplicity as demoniac and Divine. Both are working through the material envelope through the subconscious in every living particle. At the material level the demoniac forces are predominant.

The demoniac forces cannot exist under the Light of the Divine forces and they know that the barrier to any dominance is the mind. So whoever controls the mind will rule.

The Demoniac forces have therefore been influencing the humans by giving the secrets thru all science that helps them create glorious products that distances the human mind away from conscious living.

If you look at life and how it has transformed gradually in most part of the industrialised world you will see all the facilities and build-up has gone to reduce the self-awareness and increase the inertia and tamas of humans. The scientific community is the prime instrument being used by the demoniac forces. See how the cities have become lifeless concrete jungles. How water is out of Nature into pipelines and bottles. How food has been denatured. How medicine is curing the disease and killing the patient. How vehicles take us from one place to another automatically. How machines even cook and serve. Human contact is reduced so that the forces-that-be can control behavior and keep the human mind busy with titillations and putty in their hands.

The need to sit back and ponder has disappeared. Humanity is in constant agitation. Effort is not needed. There is no pain so need of learning to remove it.

Words like tapasya, sadhana, self-awareness, self-discipline, etiquettes have gone into disuse.

The negative forces are pushing us towards war, quarrels, cheating and unkindness.

Let us see what happens what is destined for humanity.

The only solace is that this influence has NOT spread all over the world. And individuals are holding back, fighting it even in the industrialised belts of this world.




Whenever I spend long hours with people, join in the conversation and such, I am left with one thought: How staid and old these people are! Specially the sadness that grips me with my younger clan members; thankfully we don’t meet more often.

Where has the dynamism gone? Spend half an hour with them and you can place their personas by plain and simple categories. Every time they open their mouths you can see their locality and restricted lives speaking out. Their language, attitudes, dressing, subjects of interest are all so fixed. You meet them after a few years and nothing, not an iota has ever changed. They are stuck and simply now here for the duration. You can place them in a neat slot like Prof Higgins would say.

Am I the only young one around? Perhaps this unpredictability about my persona is what makes me “not one of us”.


This fixation with The Useless is such a strong attraction to the human mind. Just stick to your mind and mind what you are thinking.


For everything today, even minor jobs, Diplomas and grand sounding qualifications are required. But the management is full of people who are in that position by virtue of being the financiers. Most of them prove to be bullies and idiots of the first degree. Why are these people not required to have some certification? The first place I would say Certification is required is in some basic training to rear and bring up a family; some basic knowledge of psychology, home-cures and todays’ gadgetry and not leave it to the wind to take care of it all by instinctive growth rooted in ignorance and lack of interest in learning. Just look at the new trend to glorify one’s bump. This is ridiculous. What did the woman do that is so special? What did the man achieve that makes it all so great? This is one way to promote one’s senseless desires and give this nativity a sheen by making it sound like some great reaching of a difficult pinnacle in the history of this earth.

Why can anyone just pair-up and have children just because they need the sex and someone to cook and wash. Has anyone considered how much TRAUMA we are generating and adding to the burden on Mother Earth with unrestricted indulgences?

Shall we start worrying about the consequences of our actions, thoughts and purpose and go ahead only when it is incontrovertibly good for at least 100 years to come?



We are not going fast…we are not even going anywhere… just doing things the same things faster. So now with extra time we indulge in more activities and do it faster too. This keeps our monkey mind busy and self-importantly occupied. This allows us to explain away our stupidities as important and requiring our attention. It permits us to be careless about things that should really be mattering. It gives us the excuse to ignore and neglect our responsibilities. It is a beautiful sham to cover up our pettiness.


This sentence is the key that all is vanity:

Remove the frame of mind that I am indispensable and without me the house will suffer.

The graveyard is full of those who thought that they were indispensable.

We start life with many worries and many ponderables. All good questions to get you started in life.

But also too many notions and prejudices. So if you try to sort the prejudices out first before you worry about more things, you will give yourself the pause and relaxation that your monkey mind needs.


We need to go back to star-gazing. The silence and the dark are revival-of-spirit technologies. Our turbulence can subside only when external stimuli changes to “QUIET”. Our cells need this quiet to regroup and stabilise after a day of terrible consequences.



Yes. We are unfortunately unnecessarily unkind.

This ego thing can be very convoluted. It has to prove itself and this it does best when oppressing, hurting, castigating, abusing and all others games it plays.

Appreciation even when there is obvious legitimate occasion for it comes with difficulty from the ego.

Expecting kindness from this BEING is difficult to visualise.


The mistake we make is in thinking others be thinking of us. Why would anyone be interested in us? We need each other so we have some utilitarian interest in knowing each other and even form close friendships that often last a lifetime. But nobody needs us enough that they will not manage or survive without us.

Don’t ever think on the lines of being special because then we put ourselves in a special light and we may not be that special or at least nobody is seeing us that way and this kind of thinking leads to being miserable.

Just be. Live your life as wish to. Life will bring people and events into your life; accept them.


A large group is possible only because of stupid people in abundance.

The indiscriminate populating of this earth has done the humans no good.

The meek are inheriting the earth now. Don’t complain.


In English when we say there is no polite way it means there is no kind way to get to the mind of people who are determined to not listen or have strongly made up their minds.

Oh you may say whatever you want but it is not going to pierce their ivory skulls.

The outer ears you see are only for decorative purposes.

The only way to reach them is by shattering their illusions. And in this only Mother Nature and God can do anything if at all without breaking constitutional laws and getting into trouble.

All is not as it SEEMS. The big question is how to make the populace aware?

How do we make a child understand the adult world?

If we have to understand each other and try to live together as one family, one thing we need to do is to have a simple understanding of the subconscious influences on our mind in our mind’s way of working.

The first thing to accept is that between the act of the sounds or words from another leave their origin and reach our ears and then penetrate the mind, there is a long enough intermission for contamination to take place. For example when I speak to someone, my word-sounds leave in a straight line. Then it gets shaken up a bit by other sounds around if there are any. Even if there are any the listener’s mind is already active with thoughts like “Oh now he is going to clarify or justify and try and change my mind”. Preconditioned thoughts surge from the hidden corners in the listener’s mind and say “people don’t change” “Don’t trust him”. When my words finally touch the listen’s ear the sound is in the form of a spirally thing. Some judgments are also being passed in the listener’s mind as to how good or bad I am and how I should be treated. By the time the words have hit the listener’s ear, the question has been raised like “Am I being criticised and more attention is being given to this question than what I am saying. Finally what enters the listener’s mind is not what I have said but a garbled message which the listener will not acknowledge that he was not listening properly, accurately. This will be followed by arguments and real accusations and finish with quarrels quite often (married people would understand this easily).

This is just a trailer of how messaging works. Half the messages never reach. People are too engrossed in themselves. The rest reach garbled totally. Then the language itself is with gaping holes in it. The different levels of conditioning and experiences, education all make messaging with language a dicey affair.

Humanity needs to learn to keep the mind silent so that in the silence clear messaging is possible. Humanity needs to tame itself and be patient with itself.

Quite often when someone says something to me and I have not heard the sound clearly, I wait, silently focus on the sounds received and let my mind work it out and usually I get the full accurate message in a second or so. When there is something important to say, choose a private silent moment. This is why we take the ladies out to dinner!

Got it?!!!



Does the Universe really care or does it matter how you label yourself? – It cares for you but not for what you do. Pk


Pete Apte

What we do and say reverberates though, don’t you think

Pradeep Pk Maheshwari

Yes but you bear the consequences but people prefer to blame the universe for everything and I don’t see the universe caring for that.

Kathy Glover

The Universe does not practice the attributes associated with humans. Attributing human characteristics to the universe is akin to attributing human characteristics to rocks. Although I do believe that the existence of our universe does affect how humans live and exist, in the same way that a rock thrown in the water causes a ripple effect in the water.


Michael Prater

Would you call it caring PK? “It’s” not indifferent, for sure, but to say “the universe cares for you” doesn’t ring true to me. In my experience it’s been just as caring for me as it was the flower I stepped on, or the mosquito I swatted. Is all pervasive caring from omnipresence considered care for the individual? Or just an all-encompassing care, something like a “blanket statement” so vague its meaning isn’t discernible anymore.

(Of course I’m excluding the beings and intelligences that embody the various forms of reality like Durga or Kali. What I mean is something like Maha-Durga or the ephemeral source of reality. Obviously they give personal care. Or is that what you meant to begin with?)


Pradeep Pk Maheshwari

This would make a lovely argument.

But just for keeping the conversation and thought process moving, I would say look at the river….it cares for every drop in its formation. As much as the placid drop and the one rushing over a stone. The human mind moralises and judges from the angle of what causes pain and what causes pleasure or joy.

In the final analysis: meaningless.



The Unsafe Humans.

Life is a collection of APPREHENSIONS that we try hard to hide. We really have no options but to play the game of life so we have to put up a happy front denoting successful achievements.

What a life we have made that we wake with apprehensions instead of creative thoughts and feelings. A life made on a foundation of lies and total insincerity of purpose, method and unreal ends…. But who gives this a thought? In our minds we are all living full lives, doing our duty honestly and blaming god for the rest.

What is in store of us? What will I have to suffer before this day is through?

God is speaking to us thru many different pens, mouths and means. It is a continuous process. But we have this tendency to ignore all messages that do not go with our personal private agenda. We prefer our “smallness” and would like things to simply go the way we wish them.


The why do we always shun new thoughts and change?

How many sages have been killed by authority because they did not fit the current narrative? Like Socrates for example. How saints were burnt on the stake by the theological rulers? How many sages were crucified or beheaded because it was expedient to do so for the ruling class’s creed? Can we trust the religio-theocratic narrative? Are they telling the truth of their experiences or cooking up the narrative as expediency demands?

And why are we so eagerly so dependent on them to do our thinking for us?

It is rather “surprising” that MAN in all these millions of years has not been able to conceive of a greater goal in life than to claim a pretty female; and females to have a male partner.

And yet as my experience, goes, there is nothing special from one to the other. They feel the same. They claim you and hound you the same. And eventually become the same bores. I honestly conclude that it is more of a utilitarian goal. Both looking for prize catches to show off and have a good life together too. And they never give themselves fully and completely. The major part of their persona stays way out of the reach of anyone for that matter.

I wonder over and over.


Compassion, Care and Medicine

Nothing is being said against drugs or surgery or modern medicine or any medical systems.

The point is against the attitude to maintaining or not caring to maintain willfully good health by living in a way that is known to the body so that medicine or such may not be required + our attitude to death. In case medical intervention is required in a crisis situation like heart attacks, strokes, burns or car accidents, only modern medicine can help – it is then what must be must be.

If you counter by saying that you have seen people helped, I have seen people being unnecessarily operated upon, given treatment when the doctors knew well that they have no cure and often people who would have been declared dead at home are kept so called “alive” by artificial machines.

The question is do we know and are we honest enough to know when to stop and stop abusing our bodies.

Also it is my deep feeling that modern medicine practitioners are not open to ask or take help from other long established curative practices and they are not wholly truthful in admitting when things are beyond them so that the patient can try something else for good or bad – after all death is the final event anyway.

Keeping people alive by all means fair and foul is not in our philosophy and that is how we see the western medicine doing things. The caretaker’s job is to alleviate pain and allow the patient to meet to meet his maker happily. If treatment causes pain then I don’t like it.

We see people being amputated, cut and drugged and made to linger on support in the name of treatment and this is not our way.

I hate the word “battle” used when illnesses like cancers erupt. As it is the body is mightily abused are not being nice and responsive to their bodies, then when the poor body is near collapse they push it thru an obstacle race to prove what?

Our duty is first to listen to our bodies. Only a fit constitution can take the burden of self-development to any length.


People use others (those making themselves available) as crutches. This is to be avoided. Both by those who are misusing the help they are getting and those who think they are helping. The helpers must understand that they are being used because their vanity is making them feel great.

I see empathy and compassion as the natural spiritual level at which a soul is. It can only be that. Once you have reached an understanding of the working of the Cosmos you can only be kind because you understand what is happening and how the show is being run. You do your little bit wherever you can. Good sense keeps you detached mostly.

The professionals (like in nursing) have a hard time not being touched by the vibes of suffering AND the (this is what causes the burnout) negative, selfish and irresponsible vibes of the patient/people they have to continuously be associated with. The working of the Cosmos is relentless, unending and mostly tragic. It does get on one’s nerves and deeply saddening.

Pity is totally a mind made concept based on morals and mostly religious teachings. The ego soul uses this to show itself as generous.




“I like to solve problems”.


Can you? Do you have the requisite knowledge?

What powers have you to change the path taken by the world…. in small individual episodes or things in general?

Why do you see yourself as somebody who can and is the right person to do so?

This is your vanity speaking; the human mind can conjure illusions of greatness, of capabilities and valor which exist only in the imagination and when put to the test, always collapse in a heap.

Governments want to help and do so by passing laws for everything. How can passing laws solve problems? The Cosmos is it under obligation to human thinking and laws or sense of morals?

We need to learn to NOT get too embroiled with the state of affairs of this world although keeping tag on things is advised.

The wanting to change the world is simply not possible from the human consciousness level. It is too open to devilish thoughts based in selfishness.

It is like a mouse living in the coat pocket of a man….. Inviting the man to come to visit him.


Living long and forever. Death comes when the soul is not learning or evolving anymore in this lifetime in the given body so the mental development is more important to create the right consciousness for the Soul to continue to exist in this body. It is not simply a physical thing. Life spans can be extended but not indefinitely. PS: Most of our pleasures that make life superficially worth existing becomes unavailable as the body ages and even the mind gets bored. So why this hankering to live on and on? Simple answer: The Ego Soul does not wish to start all over again. The process of rebirth and growing up to regain this power to enjoy the physical pleasures of this earth is a great strain and rightfully deplored as extremely tiresome.



How I managed.

My strength of knowledge of English and French helped steer a clear path in the international waters and my knowledge of applied physics, design and marketing psychology allowed me to start representing companies from Europe as their Country manager. I think I created a bit of a wave of envy too.

But people around me never understood or even tried to and of course were not expected to – was the fact that due to health considerations and lack of vitality I had to tread very carefully in expending of my energies and pursuing the regimen of nutrition that I followed by necessity. Additionally I needed rather as a medical necessity certain basic comforts to survive the strain of everyday life. In addition a strict mental discipline was maintained to not disturb the body’s functioning. No excesses and no stupid extravagances.

This is where the magic of The Mother’s hand showed. Troubles on one side and solutions magically appearing from another sort of became a routine in my life. Things and people that I needed would just drop in. Sincerity of aspiration for a better atmosphere around one can be the magic potion.

I was seen as a difficult, very demanding, critical and a forever show-off person of my deeper knowledge of things. So the divide with family/friends grew bigger and wider with every passing year. At that time I did not understand that it was NOT my job to correct others or help them know better. Essentially let us focus on our lives; help other but not forcefully.

Which was good. It is this separation and distancing that turned me towards examining my status and made me look back and analyze and put in correcting measures in place. Retrospection and turning towards the writings of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo became my base of all future planning. I also got interested in all writings by the great sages the world has known. I read whatever I could lay my hands on.

Later on I used all my talents to create a niche in the world for myself which allowed me to rest my back and control my food intake so as to maintain a reasonable level of good health. But I achieved this only by staying away from family and living alone.

In their defense I must say that they really have no knowledge of me and life but the funny thing is that they still judge me and interfere if they can. So be it. What could I do?

But one thing was continuous – every time I resolved one situation, out of it another one would evolve, more complex, crucial to my life and requiring answers without an option. But I would be given every opportunity in terms of book, people and possibilities to get over it. Of course given not much support from anywhere, I depended greatly on libraries to become invaluable in industry as a person who could find answers and solutions and this kept me alive, independent and working at my own pace.


I am suddenly reminded of my sick days with Tuberculosis in my spine. As it is wont to be, it was well advertised in the family. From the gossip angle my parents became the epitome of angels taking care of a sick child like me with a terribly contagious disease and keeping me home. The cost was not a problem but accepting me amongst the other by the others was but no-one dared to say or show it in front of my father who was the eldest of the clan and well regarded.

I wonder if all my youngsters have any idea of how this notion of keeping me at a distance was born.

It was not pleasant for me and I showed it in good measure to anyone who would act uppity with me. My reputation of a not-so-nice, unmanageable and disrespectful person was born and remains to this day. My stance was simple; now that I have been given this reputation, might as well live up to it and take advantage of building my life in the way I want it – which being to live in quiet isolation and meditative mood without any jostling from any side – master of my time-table and pursuing to the letter the Zen philosophy of “sleep when sleepy, eat when hungry” with silence as and when I needed it.

It was and still is a charmed life. The choices I made was the BIG Question and as I can now see is the main ingredient of everyone’s life

What bothers me is that I was being thrown curved after curved balls relentlessly and at the same time I was also being given grand opportunities to better myself, learn and grow. Whatever the Cosmos offered I would sincerely look into it. I was also being tested as to see which way I would run. Obviously there was a bigger hand behind my life. 

Finally I started seeing how some unseen hand which I concluded was that of my Guru/Mother Divine, was shaping my life and spiritual destiny. Soon my questions started getting answered more and new ones cropped up but did not scare me – It is now that I realize how all these curved balls made me intensely, intently go looking for answers as along with the questions came situations that allowed me no options but to rise above it all.

In a normal comfortable life I would have never done so.


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Pradeep Maheshwari